Back-to-school prayer, and knitting as a distraction from worry...

Welcome back friends! I hope you're enjoying the fresh start to August as much as I am. I am going to freely admit that I am quite odd, and find July to be my least favorite month every single year. I like certain aspects of July, like the 4th of July holiday and swimming/picnics, festival dancing, extra socializing with friends. But the weather?

👎

It's the most humid month of the year here in WNY, and that's my least favorite weather ever. Yes, even more so than winter. So, with July done, besides panicking a bit about the approach of my dance competition finals in late September, I'm enjoying the slight turn in the weather that August brings. There are still warm and humid days ahead, don't get me wrong, but they tend not to cluster so much, and to be less oppressive than July. I'll take it.

August also heralds other changes in our lives. K-12 schools in my part of the world don't start back until after Labor Day in September, but back-to-school is IN THE AIR now, if you know what I mean. Lots of sales and pictures on Facebook of back-to-schoolers, since most other areas of the country start back before we do. This is a situation that I have tucked away firmly in my heart for daily prayer. This new school year means lots of changes for our kids: they will no longer be at the same school, Henry will start high school, and Anne is officially in Big Kid Land as she starts 3rd grade. I have this rosary on my desk at work, made by the lovely Allison, and just holding it and looking at it gives me a sense of peace:

St. Joan of Arc, pray for us!

I have a feeling that I'll be using it for more than admiration purposes as we transition into fall. I think her courage and faith are exactly what I need next month, to be sure. I'm downright weepy about all of these changes, and the worry that accompanies them. So I've been knitting for both children up a storm, because in my mind this keeps them safe.

?

I know, I know. It doesn't have to make sense, it just has to make me feel better! I started a pair of green self-striping socks for Henry (who is suddenly an ADULT LARGE in terms of shoe size), and I made a robin playset for Anne. Not exactly conventional, but that's how we roll in my avian friendly household.

This summer, we had a robin family nest in our neighbor’s yard. Anne, ever the avid birder, kept vigil with her binoculars over Memorial Day weekend, and got to see the entire process - from the parents building the nest, to mom incubating the eggs, and finally three little beaks starting to push up over the top of the nest as mom and dad arrived back with worm reinforcements. The babies fledged a few weeks later, and now we see them in juvenile form, hopping around our back yarn with their spotted breasts, learning how to look for food on their own. It was just so special! So I found a robin pattern to make my Anne her own commemorative robin:

Pattern is Spring Robin, and is available for free!

This is Mother Robin. And she's super inquisitive. ;-)

Never content to leave well enough alone, I made a nest for Mother Robin. She needs a comfy home for her family!

And of course, my little helper is so excited about her new bird friend.

Instructions for the nest are included in the pattern, and it was MUCH easier than I expected! You essentially make a yarn snarl in your lap that you baste together with a separate strand of yarn, threaded through a tapestry needle, into the shape of a nest.

And here, HERE, is the best part. Mother Robin has her triplets!

:-0

I mean, did you ever? Instructions on how to knit the nestlings (squeal!) are included right in the pattern as well. I will admit, I found it a bit more cumbersome to knit a stuffed toy, especially small ones, as opposed to crochet. But this was an enjoyable process that I learned a lot from, and I'm thrilled with the results!

Anne made some "worms" out of scrap yarn, so now we have Mother Robin and babies posing all over the house in various scenes of feeding frenzy. It's all so cute, and I'm glad that I tried out the new skills I had to learn in order to make these. The satisfaction of all of this took my mind off of how freaked out I am about several key dates in September. 😂

So that's what I've been up to. How about you? Do you have any intentions you would like the community to pray for? Just let us know!

Some graduation related tears...

Hello friends, and welcome back! I'm a little bit emotional this week, and I just need to chat about life in general, so let's settle in for a cup of coffee!

This past Tuesday was Henry's 8th grade graduation from the K-8 Catholic school he's been at since 1st grade (that's quite a trip down memory lane, that link I just posted. I'm going to try not to cry again 😭). I took it HARD. This was surprising even to me: "Tiffany. It's 8th grade. It's not even a real graduation! Get a grip!" But there it is. I had a very difficult time with it.

I went to public school. The longest I was ever at any school was 6 years from kindergarten through 6th grade, and I don't have particularly fond memories from any of the three schools I attended before college. But my kids' school...it's different. It's a family. Everybody knows your name there. Everybody cares. Many of the people working there, as well as parents of other kids, are alumni of the school. The class sizes are small, and a warm and fuzzy sense pervades. A few pertinent anecdotes:

A beloved kindergarten teacher passed away two years ago, after teaching at this school for *37 years*. The Pre-k and kindergarten wing of the school is now named for her, because she was such a fixture there, teaching kindergarten to multiple generations of families. The school was emotionally gutted when she died.

Henry's 8th grade class held a tribute to the Pre-k 4 teacher, who came to the school the year that this particular class started Pre-k. Now those 4 year olds are leaving and going to high school. There wasn't a dry eye in the house for that one.

I never had a school experience like this. And Henry has been there for 8 years. He started there when I was pregnant with Anne, and I had prayed a novena for Mike to be won over to this school, to provide the impetus to move him from where he was to somewhere we'd have to pay tuition for him to attend. And he was. And it was one of the best decisions we ever made.

This school is a place of comfort and solace to me. It's warm and welcoming, and it's a community filled with faith. Anne will still be there for 6 more years, and the alumni certainly seem to keep up with the school, so I'm certain that it will always be in our lives. But my Henry, my first child, my guinea pig, the one I fretted over whenever we had to make a big change like this one due to his shyness and sweet nature, the one who spearheaded our foray into Catholic education...he won't be there anymore. My kids headed off to school, together, for the very last time. When I drive by the building every day on my way to work, and pray a Hail Mary for each of them, he won't be inside anymore. He's headed to a Catholic boys high school that he is SO EXCITED about, and I know that he will be in excellent hands there, but I keep coming back to something that repeatedly makes me cry:

It's the end of an era.

Anne owns a soft spot in my heart because she is my baby, but Henry owns an equally large soft spot because he is my first child, my beloved little boy who changed my life forever when he was born. Now he's heading off to something much larger and in some ways scarier, and certainly something that we have not experienced before with our kids: high school. He's becoming a young man, and while it's exciting to see, I'm also dreading all of these changes and all of the new worries that come along with them. I'm trying very hard, but I've been crying every single day. And my anxiety has been flaring up quite badly. But I keep trying.

Henry has some basketball goings on this summer at his new school, and he's also starting a work study program there to help fund his tuition. He'll ease in, to be sure, and they have an entire freshman welcome program designed to aid the kids in the transition. Most of the boys from his 8th grade class are also attending there, so he will see some familiar faces. And that's a good situation, because they're all really good kids. But it's going to be a BIG change.

I'm trying to hang in there over here, I promise. Mike hasn't started summer term teaching yet, so he's been home in the mornings after the kids go to school, and we've been talking a lot. About all of this and how we're struggling to handle it, each in our own way. It helps to have someone to talk to about it. My crafting has been a happy distraction, as has my dancing. I'll be posting about each of those in the coming weeks.

In the meantime, I'm going to keep slogging on and hope that these emotional reactions to every little thing abate. I suppose it's part of the parenting journey, but it sure is cramping my style. :-0

I hope the rest of you are having a good week. I appreciate all virtual hugs and prayers! I guess I'm a little needy right now. 🤗

The power of friendship in the face of anxiety...

Hello ALL! So nice to be with you again. It's been quite a month, hasn't it? :-) I have some more updates on that front, plus general musings on stress and anxiety in general. Have your coffee or tea? Let's chat!

I do miss our official Tea Time together on the podcast. But rest assured that it was the right decision to go on hiatus. :0 No time, right now, my friends, no time. Work has been crazy. Lots of teaching, lots of emails, lots of grading, and lots of the dreaded Course Management System changes in all 90 sections of the library lab we are teaching.

😱

You know, it's going. But it's all fairly monotonous, uninteresting, uninspiring, yet time consuming. In the midst of all of that, both kids are going through growth spurts, and Anne in particular seems to still be very much adjusting to her new school year. I've been worried about her. Henry is wanting to tour high schools, which is FREAKING ME THE HECK OUT. I finally know how to drive my new car (the whole stick shift saga), but I had some setbacks last week in the form of loss of confidence and general panic at making mistakes while out in traffic. It all took a definite toll.

Last Thursday, I had...just a terrible time of things. I couldn't control my anxiety. I was in tears, and I couldn't make myself feel better. I needed help.

And I got it. From Mike. From my close cadre of friends. Everyone rushed in to support me emotionally, and to encourage me. I took a much needed sick day from work. I slept a lot, a sure sign that my body was at far less than 100%. I prayed, and did some self-evaluating.

It helped. It really did. I realized that I had been feeling like my life was spiraling out of control, and the new car was just the tip of the ice berg: the kids are growing, my life is changing, and I felt like I couldn't get a good handle on ANYTHING. I have always had a difficult time with change, and things are changing now in ways that I just never really thought about when I was younger. I think that generally speaking, people envision their lives up to certain milestones. After that...you just think you'll never get there, you'll never be dealing with those things. It's a privilege to be sharing this part of my life with Mike, experiencing this all with him. I just never foresaw us getting older than 40, as ridiculous as that sounds. :0

This all made me realize that I was avoiding dealing with certain things in my life: that my kids are going to grow up, that Mike and I are going to get older, that my job is my job and is likely not going to change much before until I retire, that sometimes I will still make mistakes and do things poorly. It's not easy to accept change, but I must do it. Not only that, there is joy in it, if only I allow myself to experience it.

Ever since this all unfolded last Thursday, I have felt calmer and more myself. Driving has been going great. The problem was never the car. It was ME. I allowed anxiety and fear to take root and begin to take over my life. In a way, I'm grateful to the car for helping me to realize how much I was avoiding dealing with my much more generalized problem with anxiety.

So, I'm thinking this is a God thing. :) God speaks to us in many different ways, and in this instance, he spoke to me via my Honda Fit.

😀

Last Thursday was a turning point. Since then, I'm seeing things in a fresh new light. And in that vein, I'm going to be praying the St. Jude novena, which starts October 19th. Would you like to join in? I'm going to be praying for interior peace, and St. Jude can really come through for us for pretty much any intention. He is, after all, patron saint of impossible causes!

How has your week been, dear readers? Will you be praying along with the St. Jude novena? I'd love to hear from you!

Embracing the butterflies - When you deliberately make your life scary, & how to learn from it :0

All! I've been so anxious to be back with you again after last week's somewhat epic and lengthy post about me buying a car with a manual transmission without actually knowing how to drive it.

Yeeeaaaaaaahhhhh. That was really stressful.

But I've gotten some things out of this process, and not just the ability to now drive the car. Let's settle in and chat!

Friends...last week was LONG. There were swear words (real bad ones, too :0). There were tears. There were so many setbacks. There was an overwhelming feeling that I would never get it right and learn how to drive this car. I barely slept. I lost 2 lbs. This was FOR SERIOUS.

On Saturday, I gave long suffering Mike a much needed break, and went out with my mother-in-law to a big, empty parking lot for about 2 hours, just practicing getting the car going from a dead stop. That was the foundational skill I was struggling with the most, and indeed, the one most people struggle with when they're learning to drive a stick shift. She observed that I was releasing the clutch pedal too quickly, thereby causing the car to buck around violently even if it did manage to get it going, or stall if I didn't simultaneously give the car enough gas. Once we honed in on that, and fine tuned a few other things (I wasn't waiting for the clutch and gas to "catch" together before releasing the clutch slowly and easing on more gas) I noticed that I was getting the car going smoothly. Once I was getting the car going smoothly with some consistency, I began to realize that my feet were doing A Thing and that what they were doing could be duplicated again and again and again. Each time I did The Thing, I did not stall, or buck, or generally cause the car considerable angst.

Suddenly, I felt that magical moment deep down in my feet when the clutch and gas pedal met in perfect symphony, and the car would begin to move forward. If I then eased my left foot off the clutch, rather than rushing it, like I *had* been doing, I was GOLDEN. It truly was a matter of feel, and once I felt it, I committed it to my muscle memory. I practiced it another 300 times just to be safe ;-) but I knew a breakthrough had been made: I had learned how to get a manual transmission car going from a dead stop into 1st gear, and I had learned how to do it consistently. THAT is the key. Not really understanding what works and what doesn't on a consistent basis, not having The Thing going on with your feet, causes you to lurch and stall. Lurching and stalling causes you to become frustrated and anxious. Becoming frustrated and anxious causes you to lurch and stall even MORE. It's like learning to drive while on a continual, evil loop down in Satan's School of Driving and Minion Training. You know. In HELL.

After what felt like the 90th loop around the parking lot, I drove confidently to the exit and put on my right blinker. I was ready to drive out in traffic, and I knew it.

We drove around for about 30 minutes, coming to tons of stop signs. Each time I got the car going with ease, and upshifted from 1st through 5th gears with no problems. I had it, and an enormous weight had been lifted from my chest.

Granted, my downshifting into turns still needs some work, and I still have never driven on the highway. Being on an incline and rolling back before moving forward again makes my heart stop beating. I'm certain that I'll still go through some small setbacks along the way until I have a lot more experience under my belt. BUT. I've come a long way, baby. I can drive myself places now, and I've been doing so ever since. It's going to take a lot of experience before I can get in the car without butterflies, but I can officially say that I have learned how to drive a stick shift.

So, on our progress chart, we have this:

Week 1 - F bombs. Sobs. Throwing of self onto steering wheel in despair. Stalls, stalls, stalls.
Week 2 - Butterflies. Pep Talks:

"You can do this, girl. You can totally do this!"

"Go little Fit, Go! That was a good one!"

Hopefully, people think I'm simply using the Bluetooth to talk on my phone. :0

Surges of hope. Feelings of accomplishment. The joy of knowing that I truly am not too old to learn new and challenging skills.

I know it's just a car. But it feels like a really big deal to me. I took something that I'd always wanted to learn, something that did not come very easily to me at all, and I worked at it until I could do it. This is something that could apply to so many things in life, yes?

Sunday I went to Piercing Pagoda with my friend Brandy to get her ears pierced. Brandy had never had her ears pierced because of a very deep seated fear from her childhood. She had always wanted to do this, but thought she wouldn't be able to because the anxiety felt so debilitating, like something she could not overcome. I relate very much to debilitating anxiety, and so this weekend we took on some scary new things together. Brandy got her ears pierced. Afterward, I got very emotional and cried, telling her how much I loved her and how much it has meant to me to have met her and become her friend. How much she inspires me to try new things, things that I am afraid of, things that make me learn and grow as a person. Yep, right there in the middle of the mall. :0

I felt God's hand in all of this. Maybe I needed to get Fit so that I could challenge myself in this new way, and become a stronger person, a lifelong learner. Perhaps it'll inspire courage in me at some future point in which someone really needs me to be brave. Perhaps it was so that I could be there for Brandy, so that we could face fears together and grow from that. Perhaps it's so that I will continue to grow in empathy and charity towards others. I suspect that it is ALL of these things.

It was a good weekend, a really good one, filled with faith, family and friends. We went out to dinner with my in-laws on Saturday following the 5 pm vigil Mass at our parish, in which Henry served on the altar (I drove us!). It occurred to me that this truly is the good life.

That's my week in review. Work is pretty intense right now, but it's going well. Our teaching for the semester will be done in early November, and I'm really looking forward to that. I'm headed to the NY Sheep & Wool Festival next weekend, and I'm REALLY looking forward to *that*!

I miss chatting with you all in Tea Time. We'll be back to that soon enough!

How are you all doing? Do you have any stories to relay about learning things that actually apply in multiple ways? Let's hear them!

We're all entitled to one existential crisis every 20 years or so, right?

Even when a gal is doing her utmost to make the best of a difficult situation and to keep her spirits up, sometimes one still can't help but wallow in self-pity. When things are CRAP, that is. :0 It's normal, but it's like you feel like even more of a failure that once again, you managed to fall off of your fledgling pedestal of self-imposed comfort. Not a good feeling, to be sure.

And so on Friday afternoon, I was here in my office questioning my decision to ever get involved in teaching. Why? Let me count the ways...

 It does not come naturally to me. I have had to work for YEARS AND YEARS to become comfortable up in front of a group of people and able to speak. And by years and years, I mean DECADES. Even after all this time, I still get incredibly nervous, such that I am compelled to take specific secretive actions to mask that anxiety for every class that I teach. I am a sensitive person, and very apt to have my feelings hurt via thoughtless words and actions by others, and this is also not a good combination with teaching 18 year olds. I do think that I do a good job making the material understandable and (to the extent it is possible :0) interesting, so there's that. I'm also naturally a kind and empathetic person who can set others at ease. I suppose that is a good quality in a teacher, but it also means that you set yourself up to be taken advantage of.

So...that's where I'm at right now. Meaning:

Current emotional state: Longing To Be Cataloger Who Hides In Basement With Stack Of Books. Toss Cup Of Coffee Down Occasionally To Assure That Aforementioned Cataloger Still Breathes.

Circling back to Friday... I had one outstanding class that afternoon, but my last one of the day tested every iota of strength I had in my body to keep it together. I couldn't help but think:

"Is this really what I should be doing with my life? Would something else be better?"

The grass is always greener on the other side, yes? I know that. But I also know that I'm miserably unhappy at work right now, and that the toll on my emotional and physical health is very real this semester. This isn't good for me. But should I stick it out to see if it gets better? Yes and no.

Yes, in that I made a commitment, and my team needs me for the spring. So, yes, I'll do that. But long term? I'll be honest, I don't know. Maybe something else would be a better fit. I didn't think it would get to this point, but it officially has. I'm keeping my eye out for clues as to what I should do. That's not a quick process, and that's fine. The 54 day rosary novena is going to come at an excellent time for me.

I wish I could be more uplifting this Monday, but I always keep it real here. I did have an outstanding weekend at home, taking the kids to a pumpkin patch and watching my honey in his latest play. You all know how I feel about THAT scintillating part of my husband's creative life. *simpers with happiness* I am tremendously grateful for that part of my life. Tomorrow we can talk about things we are grateful for this fall, how does that sound? It might be an early INSPIRE kind of week. :0

Just a little window into my brain right now ;-)

This is actually going to be a multi-post series about my plans to manage stress this fall, I'm thinking. And can I SAY that I am LOVING blogging like this again? Let me circle back to that. In the meantime, grab your beverage:

But in a nutshell, this is what I have been struggling with lately:

Work.

:0

Work/life balance, to be precise. I don't want to dwell on it (because one of my goals for the week is to keep a more positive frame of mind), but I feel overwhelmed. I've experienced a big change at work, and it looks like this: I'm teaching 15, 1-credit classes, and that translates to 15 hours of teaching each week, with approximately 330 students. So, that's 330 potential emails to answer in a given week, and 330 assignments to grade. I'm not in any way saying that this is more onerous that what you all are dealing with on a daily basis. We all have our crosses to bear, this just happens to be mine right now. And because it is so different from what I used to be doing, I'm having a difficult time managing it.

Teaching is performing in a sense, and for an introvert, it's very exhausting. But I can handle that. For the most part. ;-) I've been really tired, but I'm making it. Here's the thing though: it's *everything else.*

My daily schedule is so frenzied between actively teaching, putting out small fires that come up during class with confused students and technology problems abounding, preparing for the next week's lesson plan, and answering more confused emails, that I feel like I can't catch my breath. And the emails go something like this:

"I'm confused. I know you told us where the outline was with the class schedule. But I've looked EVERYWHERE and I can't find it. Where is it?!"

*long time lapse while Tiffany composes herself*

"It's in the folder [on our course management system] labeled 'START HERE.'"

If only I worked in a Mad Men-esque universe in which I had a cart full of scotch and whiskey tucked into the corner of my office for just such occasions. :0 Being sloshed may improve my disposition in answering these emails.

Peeps. I spent 45 minutes with each group of students last week showing them step-by-step how to set up their ePortfolio for class. There is also a screenshoted handout with step-by-step instructions for how to set up the ePortfolio. And do you want to know what I find (not in all cases, but in enough) when I go in to grade them on whether or not they successfully created the ePortfolio?

"Let's see, John Smith, did he complete the ePortfolio setup? Wait, what?"

John Smith. Title of ePortfolio: Eng 105 INSERT YOUR LAST NAME HERE

I.Am.Not.Joking. I just...

*scream face emoji!*

Yesterday, I had a low moment. I thought to myself:

"Am I doing something wrong? Were the directions I thought were so simple actually INCREDIBLY complicated and I just didn't realize it? I am having a librarian identity crisis!"

The emails. So many emails. But it's not their fault I have so many students. They just want help for themselves, and they're entitled to it, and from a librarian who is kind and patient with them.

Usually that is second nature to me. But lately? Friends, I've been struggling, big time. Everything that I described above: the lack of time to collect myself during in-person teaching weeks, the frenzied weekly pace, the countless frustrating emails... they're all setting off my anxiety triggers. I feel anxious ALL THE TIME right now. I'm doing my best to act like my usual happy, calm self, but inside, I don't even recognize myself anymore. This Current Inside Tiffany is surly and annoyed all the time, and I don't like her very much.

I had a Come to Jesus session over the weekend. I discerned a few things.

First, this blog. Blogging was always fun for me, but lately? Even the lighthearted life-y posts have been difficult for me to write. I felt pressured when I wrote them, because there were so many other things requiring my attention at that same moment. Do I need to discontinue this blog as a result? No, I don't think so. Here is what I DO know:

I need more prayer in my life. I also need more positive thoughts in my work life. I need to be more prayerful and recollected throughout my work day, so that I can bring joy and ease to others, not impatience and irritability. Does blogging fit into this? It very much does. This blog started out as an online, public journal for me. It remains so to this day. It has only become stressful for me to write because I've been putting pressure on myself to write these long posts, and to maintain a very specific schedule. I used to blog more frequently, but my posts were much shorter.

Yesterday was an experiment. I set aside a short amount of time, had something on my heart, and used that window, and that window only, to blog about it. Bam! I finished it and off it went to you all. And I felt GOOD afterward. It was cathartic and joyful to write like that. THAT is how I will approach blogging from now on. You'll actually be seeing MORE posts for me now. They'll be shorter, but they'll be fun and they help keep me sane. Win/win.

I'm also feeling really excited and inspired about some ideas that I discerned on how to use this blog to also aid on the prayer and anxiety-easing front. BUT my writing window for the day is done, so it'll have to wait til tomorrow. ;-) Tomorrow is another day though, another blogging day, my friends! Stay tuned, because I think you'll like it. And you can participate too. ;-) Curious? I'll see you tomorrow!

In the meantime, who else struggles with anxiety? What are some of your coping mechanisms? If you feel comfortable sharing, I'd love to hear from you. *heart*

*BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP!!* And so the fall semester begins...

*bleary*

Wow, so...I don't really know where to start. The beginning would be good, but I'm so tired that I can't remember what that was. Let's see...

On Saturday I had a picnic at my friend and colleague Cindy's house. While out in her back garden, I started suffering from seasonal allergies so badly my sneezes were frightening local wildlife. My eyes were watering, my nose was itchy, and my entire face felt miserable. I ended up having to leave early, with a curmudgeonly Anne, who decidedly did NOT want to leave early. I had her walking beside me sullenly out to the car after we said our goodbyes, I toss her in there, and away we went.

Between Cindy's house and mine, which is maybe a 5 minute car ride, I sneezed what felt like 100,000 times. When I got home, I immediately took a shower, and I sneezed in there too. After the shower, I drank tea and laid around taking it easy and knitting in my pajamas, and sneezed some more. I ended up going to bed at 9 pm just to stave off the misery, taking a Zyrtec on my way up.

Sunday dawned with my nose finally feeling non-itchy, but I was decidedly operating at less than 100% capacity. We made it to Mass, we made it out to get the kids school shoes and a few final supplies, and to my in-laws for dinner. After that more knitting in my pajamas ensued.

Right before we settled into bed Sunday night, I nervously showed Mike my new travel alarm clock, that I bought especially because I have two 8 am classes this semester:

"It's supposed to have a 'gentle' alarm sound. I'm nervous about it working right and going off, because I hate being jarred awake by alarm clocks. But I have to make sure that I'll be up by 6."

This one can sit right on my bedside table and lives on my side of the bed for quick turn-off when the "gentle" tone unfolds.

"Why don't you test it out now?"

*pause*

"Oh. That's a really good idea."

D'oh.

I set the alarm for a minute hence, and wait nervously. One minute later:

*gentle beeping noise*

"Oh good, that's not bad at all!"

"No, it really isn't."

I happily set it for 6 am, and read myself to sleep. I turned my bedside lamp off before Mike, closed my eyes, and attempted to fall asleep. Except I was so keyed up about classes starting, and about how nervous I am about all of the teaching I'll be doing this semester, that I couldn't settle my mind down and actually sleep. But I laid with my eyes shut and tried to settle myself.

I did what I could, and soon Mike turned his light off. The instant he did so, a searing blue light permeated my eyeballs.

*eyes fly open*

"What the!"

My new gentle alarm clock has a "soft glow" that lights up the entire face when it senses darkness. I will grant, one DOES want to see what time it is overnight, but this is decidedly Too Much Glow. However, at that moment, I didn't exactly want to turn the lights back on to figure out how to dim it.  I quietly angled the clock to minimize the blue glow on our faces. I could see Mike discreetly turned over on his side so that the light wasn't shining on him. He didn't want to squash my gentle alarm clock dreams.

That all settled, I tucked back in and prayed to fall asleep. I tossed and turned. Tossed and turned. TOSSED AND TURNED. Until I finally drifted off into a fitful slumber. And then...

*BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

*bolt upright*

Why is it that the gentlest of beeps sounds positively PIERCING in the middle of the night?! And gosh, didn't it seem like I JUST fell asleep?! Wait. I DID.

*looks at glowing clock face*

*clock reads...* Wait for it... MIDNIGHT.

*insert emoji of screaming face here*

I set the alarm for 6 am, but apparently there are multiple alarm settings (why God, why?!) and my 6 am setting got pushed to 2nd. And the first setting defaulted to midnight. Well, I figured this all out the next day, when I was calm and coherent, rather than incredulous and ragey. In the moment, I turned the alarm off, and tossed the entire thing under the bed, relying solely on the other, non-alarm clock, in our room. Thus, I had no guaranteed alarm. Thus, I woke up automatically EVERY 20 MINUTES, my mind needing reassurance that I would not oversleep.

*cries*

It was a LONG night. When 6 am rolled around, it was, needless to say, extremely difficult to get out of bed. And I was DRAGGING for the entire day. I was already downtrodden from the allergies, and the lack of sleep just made everything exponentially worse.

And the students? I had three classes yesterday, two more this morning, with one this afternoon. Very sweet, very respectful. But super quiet, and with a perpetual deer in headlights stare back at me whenever I pointed the Beatific Beam of a smile out at them:

"And if you ever need help with anything, that is what I am here for! I have tea waiting for you in my office."

*beam*

In response, I get:

*blink blink*

I did get some smiles, I will grant, as I wove my always anecdote-heavy way through the first day of material. And nobody fell asleep, even in the 8 am section.

#winning

So I'm getting there, but let me tell you, I feel overwhelmed. And tired. So, so tired. Today it was a little better because I didn't have class until 9:20, but tomorrow it's back to 8 am. Offering it up for all of you. :0

What is going on with YOU, dear reader? I would love to hear all about it. :)

Tea Time with Tiffany #63 - Divine Mercy in time of stress...

Good morning to you all! This week's edition definitely falls into the "stressed out" category, but the tea always helps, right?

Today I talk about STRESS, managing stress, and praying to manage stress. ;-) I also talk about my upcoming teaching load, and my schedule plans for the blog this summer. Join me!





**To subscribe to the audio version of Tea Time with Tiffany, just search for it in iTunes or use this link to subscribe via Feedburner in your podcatcher of choice. Intro music is "Tea Ceremony" from PlayonLoop.com

Items mentioned in this episode:

• This week's stressy post ;-)
• Divine Mercy Chaplet
• Living with Christ 2017 Prayer Journal
• Sacred Reading 2017

How do you manage stress? Are you changing up your prayer routine this fall? What's coming up on your schedule this fall? Do write in!

Real jeans, anxiety flareups, and surprise! It's a baby jacket...

 This is very unusual, but I'm writing this blog post in the evening. Anne is upstairs asleep, after being comforted for an hour by yours truly following a sobbing spell (Anne's, not mine, though based upon how my day went, it could have easily have been me :0), Mike is at rehearsal, and Henry is at an audition for a kids part in the December play. I am drinking wine. A BIG GLASS of wine, and it's not working fast enough. This was one of the most difficult days I've ever had as a librarian, and I'm thinking that it's going to take some time for me to normalize afterward. Let's circle round, though, shall we?

Over the weekend, I experienced more This Back To School Thing Is Really Happening sentiment. I took Anne shopping for school clothes, just her and I:

"I like girl time, Mommy. I do NOT like *boy* time."

Something tells me that will change, but for the time being, there you have it. We arrive at JC Penney, and Anne makes a beeline into the girls section. She comes out carrying a jean jacket. And jeans. REAL jeans, with sparkly pockets.

"Mommy. I love these. Can I get them?"

When, oh when, did my little baby get so big?!

Now I may cry again. This was not a good idea. :0

We also procured many tops, both long-sleeved and short, some comfortable cotton pants, a back pack, lunchbox and new matching water bottle. And declared her ready for Kindergarten.

She went to Pre-K last year, so its not like this is her first time going to school. But this year she'll be going a full day. And she'll be at the same school as Henry. It just feels very official.

A new chapter of my life has begun. And now I really am crying.

It's the Anne/baby thing. But it's also work. I had an incredibly long day today, so I'm feeling a wee bit vulnerable.

Nothing truly bad happened today. It's just that I've felt all summer like I was always super distracted, much more busy than anticipated, and hanging on by a mere brain cell. As the summer progressed, it got worse. A LOT worse. 

And in the last week I have felt nearly suffocated by anxiety. With the fall semester officially beginning next Monday, the pace of our lesson planning and last-minute logistical nightmares has grown frenetic. Today was BAD. The lower half of my body actually ached from sitting so much (which I HATE) due to hours of training on new citation management and ePortfolio software, and then panicky time-sensitive things that HAD to get done before our appearance at the new instructor orientation later in the afternoon. I could barely eat, frantically shuffling food across my desk as I worked, my stomach in such turmoil over worrying about everything. By the end of the work day, I felt like a wrung out dishrag, both physically and emotionally.

The way that we're going to be teaching in the fall is totally new; new for us, new for the university, since the curriculum is dramatically changing as of this semester. So everyone is scrambling, no one knows exactly how this is all going to work, and there is a lot of anxious tension in the air. I'm going to be responsible for providing a 1 credit hour Library Lab for 15 sections of English Composition. That's a lot more teaching than I've ever done before. There may be other instruction requests that come up as the semester progresses too, and we'll have to squeeze those in where we can. I'll also be meeting with students, grading over 300 assignments, and somehow writing a book. Taking a day off until Thanksgiving week is pretty much not a possibility. Needless to say, I haven't been sleeping well. And on Monday and Wednesday mornings, my first class is at 8 am.

#purgatory

#ALLthesouls

I don't mean this as a litany of "Look how crappy my life is!!" Because it isn't. I know it isn't. I have a fantastic life. I have a beautiful, loving family, fantastic friends that I love as if they were family, and I work with people that I genuinely like and care about. I'll be busy, but my situation is a good one. But anxiety? She is there, my friends. This has always been a personal demon of mine, and I'm just trying to deal with it as best I can.

When I got home, Mike had dinner ready and on the table, and a wine glass chilling in the freezer. Is it any wonder that I married him?! Afterward, Anne burst into tears about something she saw on TV, and I spent the early part of the evening comforting her and cuddling. But truth be told, I really needed that too.

*group hug*

I'm doing what I can to try and keep my spirits up. In the meantime, I've been knitting. And JUST under the wire on Sunday afternoon, I finished my Olympic/Ravellenic Games project!

*drum roll*

I knit Elizabeth Zimmerman's famous Baby Surprise Jacket for Sam's niece. I mentioned in a recent Tea Time that you knit it flat, in a blob-like configuration, but when you are done, it miraculously seams into a perfect baby cardigan. Here is the before photo, with sweater fully knit, but still on the needles and waiting to be bound off:

It seems to be begging for help and TLC.

And here it is bound off, with 2 small seams:

This is a very happy baby sweater!

I mean, did you ever?! I love the pattern. And I finished it within the timeframe of the Olympics, and so this means that I won Ravelry's version of a gold medal:

:0

So that's a brightener, to be sure. I'm about to embark on fall socks and scarves.

#happyknittingdance

How are you doing, dear reader? Come commiserate and join the group hug. :)

You know things are bad when your new dryer is too wide to fit down your stairs...

Well hello there, favorite reader that you are!! I am glad to be with you again. After I penned yesterday's post about feeling a bit overwhelmed of late, want to know what happened? Get your tea, especially if you too have struggled with feelings of anxiety and/or being overwhelmed. We need this time together to soothe each other, you and I. *heart*

And here's an accompanying cutout cookie for you, too...

So I went home after work, and you know what? The evening kind of sucked. :0 Just keeping it real here, like always. The kids were being SUPER challenging, picking fights with each other and generally arguing in an annoying-like fashion. We recently ordered a new washer and dryer set, as both of our older models were on their last gasps of life. The new ones were delivered yesterday, and GUESS WHAT? The dryer won't fit down our basement stairwell. Of course it won't, because that would have been far too simple. There is no laundry area in our house on the main level, only the basement. And our house was built in 1930. They did not foresee this narrow stairwell as being a problem back then.

*sigh*

So Mike, precious soul that he is, took on finding a new dryer model that would fit the size specifications, and ordered it from Lowe's. Guess when Lowe's can deliver it?

June 29th.

Yep, you read that correctly, a full 3 weeks away. In the meantime, we have no working dryer, and no outdoor clothesline in our tiny backyard, so the Laundromat will be our friend for the short term.

*another sigh*

There's just SO MUCH going on right now. In addition to the above, we have had major events planned on the weekends for the past 6 weeks. They've all been fun, excellent events, but no down time, you know?

For the past week, I have been struggling with my mind constantly racing, not sleeping well, and repeatedly forgetting things. Repeatedly forgetting things. Did I just repeat that?

It's bad. I mean, epic bad. Over the course of the past 7 days, I have forgotten my travel coffee mug and left it in my car *4 times*. In my defense, I have a new purse, which lacks a water bottle holder thingy that I used to stick the coffee mug in. Now, I need to remember to grab the mug before I leave the car, and well, THAT AIN'T HAPPENIN'.

So, what happens is that I walk into the library (and you know the parking situation here, that is at least a 5 minute walk. Not a problem, I like to walk, but it's not a situation in which the lot is beside the door you need to go into), then I go up to my office. Then I unload my stuff. Then I boot up my computer and sit down. Then I reach for the coffee mug. And inevitably, it is not there. Then I say a bad word. Then I get upset with myself for saying aforementioned bad word and feel guilty. Then I fear that I have scandalized my office neighbors. Then I crankily get my keys and walk back downstairs, and out to my car. If I realize that while I have remembered my office keys, I have forgotten my car keys (1 time out of the 4), another scandalizing episode of profanity ensues.

:0

It's just a vicious, vicious cycle, my friends. The more overwhelmed I feel, the more I forget things. And the more I forget things, the more overwhelmed I feel.

And then do you want to know what happened? If you're still reading this post, a decade has just been shortened from your future time in purgatory. This morning, I was rushing around because I had to take Anne to school. Mike usually takes her, but he had an appointment this morning. I load Anne into the car, my mind awhirl about how I have to stop at the store and pick up envelopes to mail a birthday gift to a friend, and a broken rosary to Allison for repair. I drop her off, and get back into the car, grabbing my phone so that I can setup my podcast listening for the commute. I have a new text message. It's from Sam:

"Don't forget your coffee!"

She knows me so well. :0 And it made me smile SO MUCH. And you know what? I didn't forget my coffee when I got to work. All of this is to say that when things seem crazy, it's our friends who get us through.

This post brought to you by a Grateful Blogger. What are you grateful for today, dear friends?

Don't forget, I need those worry strategies! :0

Happy Thursday everybody! I'm having a good day, but to the surprise of absolutely no one, I remain very worried about many things. ;-) And as the title of this post indicates, I would love your suggestions for managing worry. I can use all the help I can get!

I promised in the video that I would elaborate a bit more today, and so here I am, reporting in for duty. :) This blog has always been, and remains, an online journal of sorts for me. It's also a creative outlet for my love of writing, but mostly it's a journal of the things in my life that are most important to me. As all bloggers know, that does not mean that I discuss absolutely everything on here. I remain a cagey woman of mystery behind the scenes. ;-) But to the extent that I'm comfortable sharing things, I go to town here on this blog.

So, what's going on with me, you are probably wondering? Well, lots of things. :) I've mentioned a health situation with someone in my family, and it appears that I will have to remain cagey about that, because the person in question wants it to remain private. Obviously, I am respecting that, but I can say this: it's not a pleasant thing, nor an entirely easy course of treatment, but things are looking good. In fact, the long term prognosis is extremely good, and we're all very grateful for that. Thank you SO MUCH for your prayers in this regard. Keep them coming.

In other, much less important, matters, there is a smattering of little things. Work has been very busy for me this semester. I'm teaching a credit-bearing course, and thus the preparatory work is a lot greater than usual as compared to the type of teaching I usually do. It's going very well, thankfully, but it's more work. As well, a short article that I wrote and submitted to a Catholic library journal has been accepted, pending revisions. Good news, yes? But I have a deadline that is, well, SOON :0 and that has me feeling just the weensiest bit stressed out.

All of this has meant that in the midst of fun and productive podcast planning, I had to put the brakes on that for a few weeks. Bummer? Yes, bummer. And when it comes to podcasting, I don't exactly know what I'm doing, so the process isn't a short one. ;-) The Chaplets audio endeavor has given me a great head start, but there's still all kinds of stuff about adding in intros and sound effects and hosting that I'm figuring out. The article revisions will be done by the end of October, and after that I should be able to go back to podcast stuff, so here's hoping.

And then there's the dance thing. :0 I'll go into more detail next week when the scariest of these upcoming performances is behind me (I'm certain that amusement will abound), but to sum up, I have a gig this weekend that is just a hair intimidating to me because I've never danced in this setting before. It'll be fine, Claire assures me that I'm ready and that I'll do great, but you know, SCARY. After all these years, performing is still incredibly intimidating to me. Performing generally, whether it be dancing or another one of the arts, means really putting yourself out there and making yourself vulnerable. That is never an easy thing. You leave yourself open to criticism, and when you care about something very deeply, this can lead to very wounded feelings. When you have an ambivalent, or worse, audience, that can feel downright lousy.

In terms of ethnic dance, this usually comes into play more at public performances in which people were not necessarily expecting to see dancing. What I mean is that at haflas (recitals) or festivals, people expect dancing and seek it out specifically because they know one of the performers, or are very interested in watching dance. These are friendly audiences. :) In contrast, let's say a dancer is at a restaurant or at a birthday party; the attendees did not come to see dancing. They came to eat and socialize. If a dancer(s) is there as a hired entertainer, the crowd may or may not be receptive and/or kind. This can be tough to deal with, especially for those of us with meeker personalities. :) I have danced at public events like these before, but I don't have an abundance of experience in this regard.  And I'm usually with other dancers. This weekend, I'll be by myself and I'm, well, terrified. :0 Granted, important clarification: I won't be alone, because Mike is coming with me for technical and moral support. I do so love that man. But I won't have any of my troupemates with me. For those present who want to watch the dancing, they'll have no one to watch but me. This is an introvert's worst nightmare. Why did I sign up for this dancing thing again?! Please God that I do not accidentally flick my veil into somebody's plate of hummus or injure myself with Sword. Oh yeah, he's coming along too, by special request. Joy.

I will report in early next week with the amusing details. In the mean time, write in and instruct me in how to not freak out so much about things, K?! :0 Life is short, we need to seek enjoyment wherever we can, right? Right.

I am awaiting your suggestions with much happy expectation. ;-)

Tea Time with Tiffany #20 - Nervous Nellies, unite!

What's this? It's Wednesday but there's a video? I like to keep things interesting and unpredictable around here ;-) (plus the video was ready, and I'm feeling lazy), and so today is our next installment of:

Today, I'm talking about anxiety and worrying, because, well, I'm *worried* about a lot of things right now. :0 I mention several of them, and relate a tie-in to a catastrophic morning coffee mug situation. How do I manage my worries (and this from a chronic worrier)? View on, dear viewer. :)


Items mentioned in this episode:

• St. John Paul II novena
• Ridiculous anecdote about all the junk I'm currently worrying about. No link for this. ;-)
• Papal keyring. Lots of Catholic tchotchke keychain options here.  :0

So, do tell. How do YOU manage the worries that creep up in your life? I'd love to hear your plan of attack. I need all the worry assuaging I can get! Leave your wisdom in the comments. :)

I'll be posting again tomorrow, likely providing more detail about a few of things I mentioned today. Prepare yourselves for amusing dance anecdotes!

"Stop it HENRY!!" A story of a weekend "getaway"...

You know, a "getaway" really implies a happy event, a voyage to a fun place where a good time was had by all, right?

;-)

Well, we're dealing with a stacked deck of negative energy here. Why, you ask? Well, we have, for your amusement, what I call The Big 3 working against us:

(1) Mike and I hate to travel. Nothing like starting off strong. :0 We have "Routine Withdrawal Syndrome," (hereinafter "RWS") and a very dire case of it indeed. There is something about not being in my usual happy space doing my usual happy stuff that gets me all agita. This is a term my Italian grandmother uses to describe a state in which one is anxious, antsy, and perhaps a bit wild eyed. That describes me being off routine to a tee. :0

RWS Case in Point:  Mike and I lay despondently side-by-side on an inflated air mattress, trying not to jostle the other by moving and/or breathing too hard.

"What are we doing tomorrow?"

*agonized sigh* "My parents are insisting on taking the kids to that animal preserve. We're going to have to go too."

"Oh. It's like an hour away, right?" *resists the urge to whine*

"YES. And by time it opens and we get there, we'll be coming up against Anne's usual nap time, and she's already WAY overtired."

"Fabulous."

*long suffering sigh*

"Have you seen my hair straightener? If I don't find it, I'll look like Bozo the clown tomorrow."

"Isn't it over there in that pile?"

"No. I had to move that pile to make way for all the clothes Anne is dirtying. Now I can't find it."

"Sorry."

Ugh.

(2) I have all kinds of weird phobias. This isn't exactly the most flattering thing to admit, but it's very, very true, and I address it here so that all of you weird phobia sufferers out there no longer have to suffer alone. ;-) There are things that we don't speak of like Fear of Not Having Bathroom Privacy. You know what I mean. The only bathroom being located right in a main, densely populated household space where PEOPLE WILL KNOW HOW LONG YOU'VE BEEN IN THERE. The very thought makes my heart stop. Then there is the Fear of Having Dirty Sheets. Anything other than dust that my legs have to slip amongst in sheets that aren't mine and my skin crawls. Little pebble things, dirt or otherwise foreign objects? Can't sleep. Or move, for that matter. There is also the Fear of Gross Showers. I'm sensing a dirt-related theme here. #OCD

Freakish Phobia Case in Point: Tiffany is poised to take a shower. As I go to place all of my shower stuff into the stall (all that girly business: shower gel, shampoo and conditioner, razor, yadda) I notice the floor rug/mat in front. I gasp a little bit.

"Oh. There's "stuff" embedded into the rug. What is...Oh God. Can I shake it out anywhere?! No, someone would see me and that would be rude. Can I...oh dear. I can't step on this with bare feet, especially *wet* bare feet, I wouldn't be able to sleep for days. I'm going to have to move it and just step on the bare floor. Which will get the floor wet, but it can't be helped. I'll wipe it up with my towel when I'm done. Uh oh. There's stuff *underneath* the mat too! I'm just going to have to carefully step around...*executes Twister-like movement*"

I nearly killed myself getting out when my feet were wet duplicating this scenario, fyi. Try at your own risk.

(3) We have young children who like to make each other miserable. If there is anything I fear more than having my own routine hacked into pieces it's having the routines of my small children disrupted. My sanity hinges upon a regular nap time and bedtime so that we can have adult fun time. And now we're in someone else's house, and so the children have to sleep in the same room. Where they can talk to and otherwise annoy each other and prevent each other from sleeping. Then they are even crankier and less willing to sleep than ever the next day.

Major.Mew.

Children On the Edge Case in Point: The room Mike and I were staying in was connected to Henry and Anne's room via a vent. 6:15 am Sunday morning we hear:

*high pitched whispering*

*Chorus of "Head, Shoulders, Knees & Toes" struck up loudly*

"ANNE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"

"Nothing HENRY!"

"ANNE! I'M TRYING TO SLEEP! YOU ARE SO LOUD!"

"Stop it HENRY!"

*high pitched back-and-forth interspersed with lots of acclamations of "Shut up!" and "SSSSTTTTTOOOPPPP!"*

Mike turns to me, air mattress squeaking loudly in his wake: "There is a ban on traveling with the kids for at least the next year."

And let's not even speak of the car ride, I think I'm scarred for life.

But we made it. Last night we collapsed onto our couch, cocktails in hand, and basked in our space and our Sunday night routine. Which is to say watching old episodes of Columbo and drinking. And yammered on about how happy we were to be home. One would have thought we'd been away at a hard labor camp for the past decade. Nope. Gone less than 48 hours.

We're insane.

THERE IS NO REASON TO PANIC!!!

I have always been a person who struggles with anxiety. It's just part of my personality, I suppose. When I was a child, I wondered sometimes what it was that made me different from my peers. Nobody else seemed as nervous as I was about doing normal, everyday things. Like, you know, playing volley ball in gym class. Or having to talk to...anybody. I just always wished that I could change this about myself. Like if I concentrated enough, I wouldn't worry about these things so much.

As an adult, I have come, via necessity, to accept this about myself. I cannot change it. That is a fact. Therefore, I have developed coping mechanisms. And I allow myself to see the humor in the situation.

But, for example, the following things make me unbelievably, "Please God, let this be over soon!!" anxious:

(1) Talking on the telephone to people I do not know. Just the facts, ma'am, or else direct me straight to voicemail please!
(2) Speaking in a meeting. *sweats*
(3) Answering the door to someone I do not know. In fact, I actually don't do this, unless it is the summer, the door is propped open, and I have no choice or else I would look incredibly rude.
(4) Doing anything that I am not confident in my abilities to excel at, and feel out of my element.
(5) Playing sports, see #4 above. I avoid this at all costs, even "oh, it's just for fun!!" work softball teams. I'd rather die.

There are other things that I do feel (somewhat) confident in my ability to at least not suck at, but it still makes me super nervous to do them. These things would be:

(1) Dancing in public.
(2) Teaching.
(3) Having conversations with people I genuinely like.
(4) Blogging.

Essentially, things I really care about. This is not a pleasant cross to bear, let me tell you, gentle reader. :0 I have never taken medication to deal with anxiety, nor do I plan to. So I do what I can to mitigate my worrying.

In thinking about my New Years resolutions, one of them is actually to worry less. The instant I start to worry about something, I tell myself to put it right out of my mind. There I go, talking to myself again, but there you have it. It helps. I picked one word to embody my 2014, and I chose:

RELAX

Just so you know what you're dealing with here. I need to relax more. It is my one word for what I need to do more this year.

So. The fact that I logged into my dental insurance online system yesterday to check on my periodontal surgery claim (because, you know, I didn't want to *call* ;-)), and saw the following:

Claim status: Processed

Innocent, Halo Perched Insurance Company Pays: $0.00

Tiffany Pays: $1900

...and didn't have an immediate heart attack? Well, I think this means that I'm making progress.

The first thing that popped into my mind was: "I'M NOT GOING TO PANIC!!!!" See what a good girl I was? I was panicking as I told myself that, but no matter. My intentions were pure.

I clicked on the claim explanation, and it appears to be a technicality on the end of the dentist's office that can be easily remedied and resubmitted. That's what I'm hoping. Because I still have to call the dentist's office to ask them about this. And you know how I feel about THAT.

I do what I can. But I do feel like my anxiety has gotten a bit more pronounced in recent years. There is more to worry about in life as you acquire more responsibility, sure. There could also be physical and hormonal reasons as a person naturally ages (mew!). Other than that, I'm not sure. I'm just doing my best to navigate it.

St. Dymphna, pray for us!

Are there any other Nervous Nellies out there like me? :) Leave me a comment!