Spiritual dryness &...I'll just say it: general emotional crises :0

Good morning to you all! It's Monday, and I usually write posts about the previous Sunday's liturgy and my experience at Mass. And, well, as you can see, I'm not doing that today. Nor did I bother to snap an image that would work perfectly (I hope?!) with my post for today. Today I just felt like writing, and indeed writing about what is on my mind. So I am. And here you are. :)

Last month I started the path to Marian consecration via 33 Days to Morning Glory by Fr. Michael Gaitley. I LOVE this book, the entries are so relatable and interesting. And my consecration day is now nearly upon me, this coming Wednesday, May 13th, the feast of Our Lady of Fatima. And what this has to do with the topic of this post is that I'm rather wondering if the struggles I've been experiencing lately have to do with the closeness of this holy commitment. Evil one lurking?

*ominous music plays*

:)

At any rate, I've felt all out of sorts. Yesterday was Mother's Day, and I was in tears practically the entire day. I just didn't feel like myself. And can I just say that Mother's Day is frequently like this for me? Bad Mother's Day mojo, man. I've clearly pissed off the Mother's Day Official Party Police or what have you. My very first Mother's Day after I had Henry?

*Tiffany walks bleary-eyed into restaurant for brunch*

"Hi Honey!"

It's my parents.

*Tiffany immediately bursts into tears*

"Oh no, what's wrong?!"

"I forgot your card! I'm such a horrible person! And I'm just so...TIRED!"

Not sleeping through an entire night for a *year* will really turn a person into a whimpering shell of their former selves, can I get an Amen?

A-freaking-MEN, friends!

All righty then, back to the diatribe on my fragile mental state. ;-) Prayer feels incredibly dry lately, like I'm just talking to a wall. I feel rather anxious and easily upset. As if I need to be even *more* sensitive than I already am by God-given personality?!

Good heavens.

I don't know what the heck is going on. We'll just blame hormones, that seems fairly convenient. Anne's 4th birthday is exactly one week away, THAT MUST BE IT! Ladies, let's all grab pitch forks and protest our fate of the Reign Of Estrogen in our lives! :0

Just keeping it real, as I always strive to do. I'm certain that it will pass, but in the mean time I've been doing a lot of thinking. My little mind has been all aswirl (spell check is telling me that this isn't a word, but I'm pointedly ignoring it) about my creative life and what I want out of it. Obviously, I want to feel fulfilled. I want to enjoy how I spend my creative time. I do enjoy writing, and I've always loved keeping this blog. Lately though, I've felt a bit like I'm spinning my wheels. I have all of these different things that I like to write about (faith, marriage and parenthood, dance, librarianship) and is that even working anymore? I've been doing this now for nearly 7 years, and is it time for a change? I don't know the answer to that question, but the fact that I'm thinking about it is somewhat telling, I suppose.

When I wrote that post last week about thinking on some new ideas and awaiting inspiration, Melanie responded with something that really meant a lot to me. Melanie, I hope you don't mind me singling you out like this, but your comment just about brought tears to my eyes, and making the librarian cry means you get singled out. :0

Melanie said that although she originally found and read my blog for the posts on Catholic books and librarianship, she has stayed and reads all of my posts, even on other topics because: "...you make everyday events interesting." That just...really made my day, thank you. :)

Because that is all I have ever wanted to do, and that is what I personally like to read. Everyday events, made interesting. I hardly think a cameraman following me around all day as I went about straightening my hair and readying for work, reading Amish fiction while I eat my morning yogurt, sitting in my office, sitting at the reference desk, driving home and listening to podcasts, and then yelling "STOP IT!" towards my children as they fight while I cook dinner, would find my life particularly scintillating. But when you write, you can flesh out the funny little things that we can all relate to. That's really why I started this blog.

So, all of this to say that I don't know where I'm going from here. Maybe I just need a fresh blog redesign? Who knows. I'll still be here, and I'll keep you informed. Perhaps I'll experiment with some new types of posts (a video post every week?) or otherwise try out new ideas. I feel a little stale. And just an fyi: I think I'm going to move to a 3-4 post per week model, rather than 5 like I've been doing. I think I've been pushing myself a little too much to come up with content. I think we can all agree that feeling pressured is a real mood killer. :)

But excitingly, with the Catholic New Media Conference coming up in *gulp!* less than a month, I am in hopeful expectation of new inspiration soon. Oh, cute anecdote: Mike could tell I was down yesterday, and disappeared into his office while I brought Anne upstairs for her nap. When I came back downstairs, he solemnly handed me a sheet of paper that he had typed up. It was entitled:

"Ideas for a Belly Dance Mystery"

And he had a full plot summary on there of murdered belly dancers and their crime solving troupemates. I mean...SO SWEET. Could the man be more adorable? Seriously. He knew that I was struggling with how to sort out my creative energies and wanted to provide some new ideas and inspiration for me.

And a final cute anecdote: Anne and I went to Mass by ourselves yesterday because Henry was under the weather. A major bummer on Mother's Day, to be sure. Anne was very concerned about leaving Henry behind, and did not like this aberration from our routine.

"Mommy, could I say a St. Anthony prayer for Henry to get better?"

She has the St. Anthony prayer memorized, since we need to implement it so often to find lost toys. ;-)

"Oh. Well sure, Honey, that's very sweet of you."

"Dear St. Anthony, please come around. Henry's tummy... is not lost, but it is hurting. Please help his tummy to feel better."

PRECIOUS.

Oh my

I have so much to say today, so it's going to be one of those "settle in with a cup of tea" posts. I'm making my Marian consecration today based upon the formula in 33 Days to Morning Glory by Fr. Michael Gaitley, and it seems fortuitous timing. I need the spiritual boost this morning, to be sure. I had considered running to my parish for the 8 am Mass, and I really wish I had. Sigh.

Let me begin by writing about my weekend (somewhat more lighthearted) and then making my way to this morning. We could all use the levity, I'm certain.

We got some snow on Friday (just under a foot) but didn't have it nearly as bad at the further East Coast. My sister in Maine is still digging out. My dance class was cancelled and we spent the evening watching more of Downton Abbey. Which, I have to say, has been difficult to avoid spoilers for. This gap in the airing between the UK and the US is quite dangerous. *unhappy face*

Anyway, I digress. Saturday morning and afternoon were "just ok." The kids were all worked up and I was feeling oversensitive. Happens sometimes. Henry was slated to spend the night at his grandparents, so we had just Anne for the evening. It feels strange only wrangling one kid. The day looked up as we took her to the mall and did some shopping at Yankee Candle. We're big scented candle fans in my house.We had a coupon, so we stocked up for the remainder of the winter and spring.

We got home, watched another Downton and headed to bed. Anne had been snugly tucked into her crib for hours.

We get in bed and begin to chat. The sound of a barking dog permeates our bedroom. There are several dogs on our street, but it is rare to hear one barking like this, especially on such a cold night. Mike looks alarmed.

"Do you hear that dog?"

"I do, Sweetie."

"Why is he barking non-stop like that? Dogs shouldn't be out tonight, it's only 10 degrees."

"Yes, that's true, it's so rare to hear a barking dog outside on this street. Are you worried?"

"Yes. It's too cold."

We chat for a while longer, also discussing dinner for Sunday, which involved Mike travelling downstairs to take ground beef out of the freezer to thaw for meatloaf.

"It's been a half hour and that dog is still barking. I think it might be Oliver from next door. I'm going to go check it out."

Isn't he heroic? He gets dressed and hustles downstairs. I promptly fall asleep.

I am awakened by the unmistakable feeling of someone staring at me. I pop my eyes open. It's Mike.

"It's Oliver. He's in the backyard barking at the back door. I don't think Chris and Dina are home."

"Did you knock on their door?"

"No, that would have been weird."

"I don't think so. I mean, what can we do? We can't just go and take their dog if we aren't sure that they're not home."

"All right. Let's both go back. We can't leave him out there."

*martyr-like sigh*

I grab my robe to throw on over my nightgown which consists of red flannel with Scottie dogs decorating it. We hurry downstairs and bundle up.

Mike rings their front bell. No answer.

We both head right to the backyard. Oliver is where Mike left him, barking frantically to be let in. He has a clear conversation bubble over his head that says:

"WTF?! LET ME IN!!! Wait. Who the hell are *you people*?"

"Oliver, come here Sweetie."

*vicious barkbarkbarkbarkbarkbark!!!!*

"It's ok Honey, you can come be warm in our kitchen. Come on..."

*snarl!* *bounding leap to the back of the yard* *vicious barkbarkbarkbarkbark!!*

Fantastic. He's usually a nice dog, he was just obviously in Protecting Backyard Mode, followed by being freezing and terrified. It had now been 45 minutes since we first heard him barking, and we likely just hadn't heard him previously because we had been watching t.v.

I creep forward. "It's ok Oliver..."

"Um. We're going to have some explaining to do. They just pulled up."

Ha! Our poor neighbors pull into their own driveway and here come Mike and I, in our pajamas, tromping out of their backyard.

"Hi. We were , um, just worried about your dog."

"Oliver! How did he get out?! Oh my goodness, thank you! He must have snuck out when he left, we've been gone for hours!"

So, all is well that ends well. Oliver is fine. Our suspicions were correct in that he wasn't supposed to be out and needed rescuing. The fact that we failed in aforementioned rescuing didn't seem to be important. We tried.

So that was the big excitement Saturday night. Sunday was extremely pleasant. Mass (in which Anne was an excellent girl), plans for Ash Wednesday (going for ashes with Anne at 4 pm, Henry will get ashes at school), some shopping, a nice meatloaf, more Downton Abbey, knitting. A good day was had by all.

This morning I had the regular Monday thing going on. It's extremely busy right now at work with teaching, and I was anxious to get in and prepare for a 9:30 am meeting. I also wanted to spend some time with my Marian consecration prayer and finalize my plans for Lent.

I'm driving in, listening a Catholic Weekend podcast from 2 weeks ago about the March for Life because I'm perpetually behind with podcasts. I stop at a red light. My cell phone vibrates.

Normally, I would ignore it, since I was driving, but as I was stopped at what I knew would be a lengthy light I pull it out of my purse to see if it's a new text from my sister. It's a phone call and it's from Mike. I immediately worry, since he would have known that I hadn't reached work yet and would only be calling about something important. I pick up.

"Hi Sweetie. I just saw on the news that the pope is resigning."

I was stunned. I mean, I shouldn't be. He's older than John Paul II was and we've known that his health has been declining in recent years. But I was still shocked. This is still a huge development in Catholic news and fairly uncommon.

I don't really know how I feel about it yet. I respect his decision, but I'm so sad to see him go. John Paul II was the only pope that I remembered for the first 30 years of my life, and now I will see 2 conclaves in 8 years. I have always liked Benedict XVI. I respect and admire him. Nobody can replace John Paul II in my heart, but I do love Benedict.

I'm anxious about who will be elected. I think things will be fine, but I can't help but be anxious. The unknown is always like that. It's going to be a powerful Lent, I think. It's just so soon! I'm not ready. But I suppose we never are.

*doe-eyed sigh*

"Uh oh. Boom!" - Anne's world at nearly 20 months, and an update on my at-home retreat

Ok, so I'll get to Anne in a moment. I read day 2 of my 33 Days to Morning Glory retreat, and I have to tell you gentle reader, that I adore this book. I have a difficult time reading what I would call deep theological books. Classic works by the saints, for instance, are obviously so, so crucial in our faith, but I simply don't enjoy reading them cover to cover. I suppose I'm not as mystical as they were. :) I enjoy very practical, slice of life memoirs when I read non-fiction, and thus I have read and enjoyed St. Therese's Story of a Soul. I actually even found St. Frances de Sales Introduction to the Devout Life very approachable and read the whole thing. Although not a memoir, I could easily understand what he was suggesting and apply it to my own life.

So in 33 Days to Morning Glory our author is very much giving us real world anecdotes to drive home the points he is raising about devotion to Jesus via Our Lady. And I love how he divides the retreat into concentrations on 3 great Marian devotees in our faith: St. Louis de Montfort (obviously), St. Maximillian Kolbe, and Bl. Teresa of Calcutta. It all feels very contemporary and reachable. St. Maximillian lived not that long before I was born, and I overlapped with Mother Teresa for quite a while before she died in the late 90's (I remember the day she died vividly). The book is also humorous and light. I'm so glad that I decided to do it. I can even renew this retreat every year if I like, and I will remember the date that I begin since it's the day after my wedding anniversary. Very handy. The consecration date is a week before my birthday, which these days could use a bit of a spiritual boost, let me tell you.

Anyway, I'm very happy with the book and I will continue to post updates as I work my way through the 33 days.

So, Anne. She slept all night but was up for the day at 5:15 am. Why God, why?!?!

When I got downstairs, I found her in sour spirits, unsurprisingly.

"No!"

"Anne, what are you saying 'no' to, I didn't ask you anything?"

"No!"


That chica is so, so sassy. I can't believe how quickly she picks up new words and understands what we say to her. Oh, AND, I think we need to invest in a potty chair; she's showing signs of readiness.

*long suffering sigh*

Oh, the day that the only butt we wipe is our own... *cups palm over eyes, looks far off into the distance*

*silence reigns for a moment in the living room. I bask and then realize that this is not a good sign*

*glances to left*

*Anne is on floor, struggling to remove pants*

"Anne Honey, don't take your pants off."

"Potty!"

"Honey, you hate the toilet. You can go in your diaper. We'll get you your own seat soon."

"Potty!"

"All right, but I know how this is going to end."

*takes Anne into bathroom*

"Potty!"

"Yes, that's the potty. I think you already peed though, Sweetie. But ok, let's take your diaper off."

*pops Anne on top of toilet*

*Anne resists sitting on toilet*

"Down!"

See how that goes?

She obviously knows now when she goes. I don't know that she's telling us BEFORE she goes, it seems to be after the fact. And that's fine, she's still very young. But it's obviously bothering her to have a wet or dirty diaper. And she's AWFUL on the changing table, she hates the process of having her diaper changed. A lot of the time, I notice her grabbing herself (SIGH, *so* much crotch grabbing goes on in our house between the two of them) and she seems distressed. In each instance, her diaper is very wet or dirty. So she didn't tell us that she had to use the potty, and it's almost like she's upset about it. I also notice that her diaper will be dry, and then when she does go, it's suddenly very heavy, so she's able to hold small amounts and then go a bunch at once. In other words, she's showing signs of being ready to train.

One potty chair, coming up.

She's also very into books, both of my children are.

*beams with pride*

Henry now READS IN BED. Isn't that just the most precious thing ever?! As soon as I sit on the couch in *my spot* (next to the end table with lamp where I can put my knitting supplies) Anne rushes to the bookcase to select one of her books and brings it to me. And she has her favorites, clearly. I don't know how many more times I can read We Go to Mass. I'm thrilled that she likes that book so much, but variety is the spice of life.

All right, back to work for me. I just helped a patron on our online chat service find historic weather data for Ithaca, NY.

*fastens Super Librarian cape*

A pre-Lenten retreat

Before we get started, I'll let you know that Anne slept better last night, just in case you were worrying about it for me. Chances are, you have your own lives, but I know you love me anyway. The only problem was that she was up for the day and screaming by 5:30 am, but I suppose you can't win them all. Someday, we'll sleep like normal people again. Someday...

At any rate, I wanted to talk about this new book I got for Christmas, and the at-home retreat/Marian consecration that I'm going to be doing, starting TODAY!

The book that I'm using is called 33 Days to Morning Glory: A Do-It-Yourself Retreat in Preparation for Marian Consecration by Fr. Michael Gaitley. I heard about it on Greg and Jennifer Willits' podcast, The Catholics Next Door. What the author does is take St. Louis de Montfort's True Devotion to Mary method of a 33 day preparation period followed by a consecration to Jesus through Mary. I own a copy of True Devotion to Mary, but I never made it all the way through the book. Fr. Gaitley modernizes the approach by including meditations (rather than long litanies and prayers) on the work and life of St. Louis de Montfort, St. Maximillian Kolbe and Bl. Teresa of Calcutta. The meditations are only a few pages long each and include a brief prayer. At the end of the 33 days, the consecration prayer is included. He has a chart for dates on which you could do the retreat, since it is optimal to finish on a Marian feast. I'm starting today and finishing on February 11th, the feast of Our Lady of Lourdes.

So far, I LOVE it! The meditations are so interesting and engaging. If anyone else decides to get a copy of this book, let me know, because I'd love to follow-up with you on your experience. It is not available for Kindle, but is a mere $10 on Amazon for a print copy. My sister got it for me for Christmas. The next starting date is February 20th, and finishes on March 25th, the feast of the Annunciation. It would make a nice retreat for Lent, which starts on February 13th this year, with Easter falling on March 31st. So the retreat would finish up right at the start of Holy Week. Think about it!